It Doesnt Matter Where You Are I Wish I Could Sing It to You Baby

Beloved songs are where we go our passion, our soul — and almost of our worst ideas.

Zilch skilful can come up of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time you lot told that girl y'all but started seeing that you lot would "take hold of a grenade" for her? You lot did that because of a dearest song. And information technology wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"Information technology's just, my mom. You know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And yes, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that boom box over your caput exterior your ex's house? Yous did that because of a dearest vocal. And 50 hours of community service later, you're notwithstanding not back together.

Love songs are nifty. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to accept risks and put our feelings on the line. And they requite us terrible, terrible ideas about how bodily, existent-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. So amazing. And besides terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and 1 song that doesn't audio romantic but totally is:

1. "God Only Knows," past The Beach Boys

You can keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Go Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Just Knows" is where it'southward at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of audio. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photograph by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

I may not always dear you lot

Merely long every bit at that place are stars to a higher place you

You never need to doubtfulness information technology

I'll make you and then sure about information technology

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach brawl over a volleyball internet and "God Merely Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your heed, you demand to rethink the choices that got yous to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photo past Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a song that just feels similar love. Pure honey. Young love. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be wrong with that?

Here'southward why it's actually really, really unromantic:

There'southward nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-acme notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair every bit they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his business firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photo past hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But there is such a matter equally loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever leave me

Though life would even so go on believe me

The world could show zippo to me

So what adept would living exercise me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But practiced God.

In that location's a huge divergence betwixt saying: "Hey babe, you are my showtime and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if y'all go." And saying: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I'm but gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and phone call information technology a life."

But that'due south pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God simply knows what I'd exist without you

...horror-pic creepy. Because the answer, manifestly, is: "I'd exist a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That'south not dearest. That'due south codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a grade of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might one twenty-four hour period end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may only know what you'd exist without her, but God probably as well hopes you lot have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga grade. Google some woodworking videos. Attempt kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yes! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot be anyone'south be-all and stop-all. Information technology's too stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that'south gotta exist washed before you can do anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

two. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Certain, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've e'er heard. But, we don't take Michael Jackson anymore, and every bit tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here'southward why the vocal sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Love, you're my golden star

You know you lot can make my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

If y'all let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-class make-out party and you'll likely become an instant toll pass on the highway to natural language-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date nighttime is going to culminate in 47 minutes of celibate-all the same-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will retrieve you're weird — only probably nevertheless make out with yous.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this vocal.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you lot're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photograph past Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

Simply, hither'southward why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:

Everything near "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, have I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the start time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go due south right from the very commencement:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attending, babe

I gotta tell you a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know nearly herself."

What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could information technology be that her nonfiction book nearly early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for teaching me all most Martin Luther's bible!" Photograph past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

Y'all're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk around here like yous wanna be someone else

Oh. It's that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Give-and-take of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, information technology really doesn't affect her day-to-solar day and then much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

And then what if she does want to exist someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think being Ryan Gosling would exist quite nice. A good style to spend a three-day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment menstruation... Photo past Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And so later, of class, the narrator can't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty daughter, pretty girl, you should exist grinning

A girl like yous should never look and then blue.

He respects her then much, he's really directly-upwardly telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, yous know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy human relationship is an unending stream of a human being complimenting a strange woman and said woman being so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex activity."

He so proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the world's creepiest pirate:

You lot are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, yous, y'all are

Yous are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you lot, you, y'all, you are

By this bespeak, in his listen, she'south a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she's non just any thing.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That'south ... something, right?

three. "Don't Recall Twice, It's All Right," past Bob Dylan

For every bit long as humans take been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downward in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is practiced at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither'south why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no utilize to sit and wonder why, babe

Even you lot don't know by now

And information technology ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Information technology'll never exercise somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Wait out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'1000 a-traveling on

But don't call back twice, it'south all correct.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation similar whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It'south the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her beau left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her banking concern-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a air current chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend'south cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school ring over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are yous looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, information technology'due south about the end of a relationship, only it sounds romantic. And at the stop of the day, shouldn't that be enough?

Hither'due south why it's really sooooo messed up:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a hard, honest word about what went wrong.

Information technology's non me, Joan. It's you. 100% you lot. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Remember Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my centre, merely she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all similar, "Babe, I just have so much unspecified love to give," and she'southward like, "Take out the trash!" And you're similar, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart exist enough?" And she's similar, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you lot to do is take out the trash." And you're similar, "Y'all're bumming me out. I'm gonna get play guitar." So she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to alter yous? UGH!

You could have done better, simply I don't listen

Yes. You practice mind! You mind! You wrote a song about it, you passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah aye. Your time is and then precious! Call back about all the hours you wasted plumbing the sea-deep, ecstatic mysteries of homo partnership when you could have been futzing effectually with that dwelling house-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photo past Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute yous start breaking it down, the message of "Don't Recollect Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sis's ex-swain, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt'south wind chime store, which would have closed forever agone had she non received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Similar your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying kid support.

"You kids want a beer? No one'southward under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song's narrator also indicate-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'm told

That'due south correct. In improver to beingness a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he's besides possibly a pedophile.

Even if nosotros are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which there's no indication information technology is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an young partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a brutal, dismissive mode is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the bespeak.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," past John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bloodshot folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Boob tube Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely vocal. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Crusade I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a mod ear, this would be sort of similar singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," just in a fashion that's somehow however folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer campsite. Not easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

Y'all see — he hates to go! He simply hates information technology! Nosotros know this, because he tells u.s.a. he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't dear his partner merely that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Hither'south why information technology's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract and so much from the fact that the song'due south chief character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — information technology doesn't really seem like he hates being away all that much:

At that place's so many times I've allow you down

So many times I've played around

I tell y'all at present, they don't hateful a affair

"Babe, I hope! All the movies I watched alone while yous were domicile nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Only rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I just finished having sexual practice with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you lot break it down, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "skilful" despite all evidence to the reverse.

And for all he claims to exist broken upward near having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flying. Oh, you're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are you? Are you Zone one? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter near the "terrible" Cibo express salad y'all were forced to asphyxiate down as you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph past Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of y'all

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you lot

Ah cool. He'll think nigh her while strumming and making "my honey is fragile as the morning time dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the front row. That pretty much makes up for information technology all.

And so he demands:

Then kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that you'll look for me

Afterwards all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a class-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he nevertheless has the gall to tell her to await? To wait for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family unit bank account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

Just yeah. This fourth dimension he says he'll bring back a wedding band.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you look up "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you lot a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Factor Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very outset line.

Here's why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Sure, y'all can write the lyrics downwards, simply it doesn't fifty-fifty come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A Human being LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... only still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It'south an elemental lyric.

Information technology'due south a heart-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you lot put your dorsum into it.

It's perfection.

As long every bit you lot don't keep listening.

Hither's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Adult female," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give up all his comforts

And slumber out in the rain

If she said that's the manner

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no matter how devoted, no matter how selfless, no affair how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plough his dorsum on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A human being needs friends! Once a man's whole support arrangement erodes out from under him, a man volition be biting, ungrounded, and alone. And a man's mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I accept

Tryin' to concur on to your heartless love

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." Information technology's what happens when a man loves a controlling, manipulative adult female. An abusive woman. A adult female who, in truth, simply loves a woman. Herself.

"It'south Chris or me." Photograph by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're hither for yous.

(Side note: Lest it go unsaid, there is fashion more than one way for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Possibly they slumber in separate bedrooms. Maybe they dress upward in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a human being loves a man, I imagine information technology feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of delivery, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, in that location's no i-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Diversity is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There'due south more one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

It doesn't thing if it's the right metaphor, as long equally information technology's a metaphor. Photo past Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Betoken being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You tin practice this! And if yous ever observe yourself in a like situation, please give these people a call.

vi. "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie'south Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would brand me want to bawl my optics out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always exist listening to it. If yous're not listening to information technology now, smack yourself in the face and Google information technology. Information technology's just that of import.

I am singing the phone volume. Yous are weeping similar a tiny baby. Photo past FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring tune, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared past every living beingness on Earth: picking upwards an unnervingly attractive man for one dark of mind-blowing sexual activity and so releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever once again.

They sing:

Information technology was a rainy nighttime when he came into sight

Standing by the road, no umbrella, no glaze

And so I pulled upward alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smiling so we drove for a while

I don't have to go along considering y'all know what happens next, and information technology's awesome.

"I just sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo past Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this song is not romantic at all:

The human relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems likewise good to be true. And information technology is. Because it's non an equally loving ,or even as brawny, pairing at all.

Information technology'due south a...

It's a...

Well. You know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming forth just fine, similar any wholesome, illicit, anonymous thing should:

I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the pelting

Fate, tell me it's right, is this dear at first sight?

Certain, many of us might hesitate to pick upwardly a strange leather-jacket-clad man continuing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached spiral, but our narrator simply has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.

I tin can respect that.

We fabricated magic that night

He did everything correct

Great! Seems like it was a adept decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off large time.

Just and so, without warning, the vocal starts to sound less like an all-time great romance and more similar a story men'south rights activists tell each other every bit they vape around a bivouac:

I told him "I am the flower, you lot are the seed

Nosotros walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to find me, please don't you cartel

Just live in my memory, you'll always exist in that location"

I'thou non a poet. Symbolic language frequently eludes me. Merely unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," of a sudden hateful wildly different things in the context of homo reproduction than they have since sex activity was showtime invented in the early-1970s, we're talking well-nigh a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photograph past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You lot might be tempted to call up, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then it happened i 24-hour interval

We came round the same fashion

You lot can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway advertizing from nine years agone:

Photograph by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in honey with some other man

Cool, and then this all makes sense and is in no style the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked non 1 just two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one footling thing that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best yous tin can say near that is that it'southward non technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own nascence control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

Only ... it's not cute. It'due south not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the finish of the twenty-four hour period, the shadiest character in this vocal is somehow not the pelting-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the dark.

Which... is proverb something.

Only in that location is a love song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A vocal that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to final.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Processed Store," past 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here'south why you might exist — OK, well-nigh definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (Fifty) and that guy. Yous know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Processed Store" is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic as information technology can be to scream in the center of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., in that location's no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:

I'll accept you to the candy store

I'll let yous lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in case you missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let yous lick the lollipop

Way to take one for the squad, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody'south idea of a classic dearest vocal.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The trounce is kinda basic. The hook is similar the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't go played much anymore. When information technology does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology's not a vocal yous'd put on a mixtape for your shell. It's not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and yous've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a vocal yous'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver ceremony.

Information technology'due south just not.

Just it should be.

So here it is. Hither'due south why "Candy Shop" past 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You wanna back that thing up or should I push upward on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The vocalist starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It's merely been twenty seconds, and yous're already getting set to hang it up with "Candy Shop."

But then ... over the foursquare thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the course of a female person vocalisation joining the track, cut through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I'll accept you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one gustatory modality of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all yous got (come on)

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

It'due south mutual! It's mutual! They're performing oral sexual practice on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photograph by liz west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not exist the world's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he'due south done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Processed Store"? He gets information technology:

You could have it your way, how practice you want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'southward with — a la the dude in "God But Knows ("I'k going to invest my entire sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat y'all similar a chest full of gilt doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to Y'all," ("I'thousand going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is skillful for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

But here'southward the key affair: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's conspicuously into it. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly glutinous club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we exercise ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are just between me and you

No thing how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It will be individual. In that location will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very maybe in the case of "Candy Store") minutes long.

She may have a high sexual activity drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids but might go the distance after all.

And at the end of the day, what is a relationship simply two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Cheers, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

Information technology's similar information technology'due south a race who could get undressed quicker

Once again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an every bit great time.

I touch the right spot at the correct time

Of course, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, just if we're to accept him at his word, "Processed Shop" guy is at least every bit proficient at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Practise is Make Love to Y'all" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Processed Store" guy is a keeper. Because he'south not a hero or a stranger in the dark or a funky, shimmering dearest god. He'southward a good partner.

"Processed Store" is raunchy. It's dirty. Information technology's non your grandmother'due south love song.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Center Eastern Music 1993," by the cease of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a good for you relationship is all about?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Photo past Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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